the sensation i never regret

Love is somewhat a feeling that no one can explain. It’s something you want to swallow and at the same time you don’t want to digest.

Why is it that sometimes you have the eagerness to extinguish the weird feeling towards somebody?

Sometimes I feel like I want to end everything, but like the wind it keeps on coming back. Being with the person makes me happy although I know deep inside me, I’m just the second person in line – worst was I lost every ounce of the sanity I have.

The past haunts every action I am doing – for diminutive time I beg for someone who could be there, someone who can cherish every part of me – the flaws I have or the ugliness I have.

I know it’s bad to dwell on things too much but the mushy thing was, I kept on relinquishing every chapter I am facing. From the heart of blue to the heat of darkness I’ve been digging for an answer, but it comforts me every time I wish of the feeling to grow.

The sun may seem so friendly but the moon will always seem bright and enlightens me. The feeling of being there is always tattooed in my wit. But the reality seems to notify me.

Reality bites, and it will always will. A song from the corrs entitled “what can I do” kept on playing in my mind. That there is so much I can take but I have to let go – The feeling of being happy with the person and at the same time the feeling to let go.

He once told me that he will be there and will always help me but he will always love the one he loves. How can I move on? How can I forget everything we had, if he always appears? How can I force myself to delete him from my microchip if he is always haunting me? His smile, his voice, his palm, him being tender and soft provokes me to always love him back.

Sometimes I feel like I was just infatuated but sometimes I feel like it was more of a pearl that could be found in the deepest part of the ocean. The pearl that beats abnormally is the same pearl that was strangled and stepped down before he came.

Each year I was overwhelmed with mix emotions I could never explain, same emotion I could never nourish and the same feeling I have to burry six feet below or inside the core.

Sometimes I wish of being a character in a fairy tale like Cinderella or Snow white, but I don’t think there is a prince who’s willing to take the risk and fight for every antagonist that blocks the forest of deliverance.

I dreamt of having a carousel full of flowers but in reality I always get a horse full of thorns. I wish of loving someone and be loved by somebody but every time I was about to reach it, I always stumble.

Fear struck me, thorns always prick me and bullets always hit me. Visions may come vividly but clouds of disappointment blocks me.

Love – a beautiful gift to give and receive, but why does it always come and go, leaving you behind unanswered, doubtful and hanging?

Story of a lame frog: char!

It all started with the frog's dream...

The frog needs someone to talk to, someone who's willing to listen, someone who can be call "a good friend"

So the frog left the swamp and search for his dream...

One day, the frog went to visit a place where everybody seems so busy, everything seems like a fallacy. Where in broken dreams are bound to happen.

At first, the frog felt so indifferent and exhausted - since everybody wouldn’t want to be friend him.

The frog said to himself "I wanted all these... these were the things i only dreamt about but seems like there's an empty space I want to fill"

The frog left the place and proceeded to another place where they call "a place to follow"

He was so curious about it, and then he entered the gates...

The frog said "this is what i need; maybe this could fill the emptiness i felt before"

The fog was so happy knowing he could do everything. Every time he wakes up, he started it with a smile and ends his day feeling full field. He did the most out of everything...

But then again, he started to question...

"Is this what i really wanted?"

He then left the place and preceded to five other places... still he asks the same thing...

Then the frog decided to go back home where he was born "the swamp"

Every morning - the frog starts his day with regrets and disappointment. Not realizing everything he wants in life was there in the swamp.

One day he woke up and welcomes his day with a smile.

He then said: "i never felt so complete like this; I never realize things would go like this..."

Realizing things that what he wanted was only physical and superficial.

He faces the mirror and accepted the fact that his bald but with a good heart..."

Superficial happiness is lame. It’s all about accepting everything and it will reveal the real happiness you always wanted.

touch of silliman in my life... :)

Days seem so fast, hours run like minutes and minutes run like seconds. Reminiscing the happy times make me cry, while the bad times brings me life, those experiences helped me learn my lessons. My friends were there – being my eyes and my shoulder, they hug me when I cry, buy me ice cream to take my anger away, and do funny things just to help me laugh.

I had a dream… a dream of having friends that will always be there, true friends whom I can trust, people whom I can cherish and who treat me as a sister, the one who can tell me straight to my face that I’m wrong. The one who can say “your dress is awful… find another one,” the who knows how to listen and wont leave me when I’m at my worst.

Fifteen years ago, I met a friend. He was nice, sweet, accommodating, and thoughtful. He treated me as a sister, and played with me every time our classes ended. One day, he started telling me that a lot of differences may come along the way. We didn’t see each other again for eight long years, and when we did, I never expected the guy who had once been my best friend would be one of those guys who would turn out to be a major disappointment.

Seven years ago, I met and lost another friend. Nina. She was so nice and bubbly, no dull moments with her. This time, I lost another best friend because she passed away. People told me that I should accept our destiny but those memories we shared will be kept. Losing someone you have learned to love is like a needle pricking your heart. Every time I sleep, the memories we shared keep coming back, and her spirit is like telling us she’s ok.

I saw her once, smiling- seems like she’s telling me that she’s fine and we, her friends don’t have to worry. I thought of it as a sign that comforts me then on. I don’t really know if that was just a dream or a reality… I don’t care; all I know is that she’s happy. Sometimes seeing things scares me, but that time it was comforting.

I can still remember the time when we were sharing ideas for our future, each of us was telling how great it would be; except her, she then said “ I don’t know if that time can wait and reach me,” it seemed like a riddle, telling us something, but we ignored it and considered it as a joke.

Then we reached the stage of being independent, the life wherein we ourselves can decide for our own and budget our allowance the whole month. We separated ways, some stayed there in our hometown, and some of us are oceans away. All those years, I was longing for their company. Every time I went home to our place, I always called my high school barkada first.

Three years ago was one of the most horrific days of my life, many things happened but still she was there. I then got an animated e-mail from her saying “different worlds may separate us, but I’m here, your friend, I’ll miss you.” A week after she was admitted at the hospital because her illness got complicated. Three weeks later, I was also admitted at the hospital. Then I texted her asking if she’s ok. Her mom was the one who replied telling me that she’s in a critical condition and was in a coma. I kept on praying but the following day seemed so black. Her mom texted me “wala na si nina nasa heaven na siya”; my world blacked out. It was then so unfair that I could not even see her again knowing that I could not even attend her funeral. Her dad sent me her pictures and the pictures during the funeral, seeing them slowly crushed my heart, tears were like a river flowing and bumping through the stones of reality.

Then on, I gathered the remaining strength in me, hoping something nice would happen. Hoping for the dreams to be complete, but then again it would never be as what we wanted them to be, so different and broken.

After that tragedy, I was so pleased of having a second family here. They were the ones who comforted me when Nina left. They were there guiding me, leading my way, those four guys were the treasures I had here in the campus, some may say they were notorious, others may say they were useless but they are not. I considered them as treasures- one of the great walls in my heart. Despite our ups and downs, still they are strong. Drinking with them is so fun, sharing problems with them was a release. But mistakes happen and I disappointed them – Mistakes that changed things and suddenly we drifted apart. I miss them, every single part of them, especially, the warmth of their company.

Then I met these gems that I have now- the “brilliant bums.” I never expected they too could be an important part of me. Hanging out in STED’s was great. I met bunch of friends- real friends, and with them happy is the word. I’m not saying that our barkada haven’t encountered problems- yes we do but it didn’t ruin the essence of friendship- it made us stronger and not complicated. With all those “sukarap” moments we had together and apart, still we manage and secure things. Having them was like a paramount, sharing all the burdens we had was amazing, and being part of the group made me feel like I belong to a big happy family.

Now that my barkada are all graduates from an institution that taught us a lot – although I regretted some of my decisions – I still manage to stick with my sanity. Reflecting on things made me stronger and made my life easy to deal with.

To all Brilliant Bumz – I promise, I’ll always be here for you – although miles and oceans separated us – the friendship that binds us before, will always stay as is, till the my journey of life reaches the end.

Bea became one of my closest friends – not just a friend but also a sister – she taught me a lot especially in decision making. Through thick and thin were together, almost everyday my day is not that complete without her – it may sound so gay but that’s the way it is – life is crazy in a way. I never thought she would become part of my life.

“To Bea – I’m so happy having a friend like you… I’ll always be here no matter what.”

The thought of having a friend is not just to pick somebody and force that person to do the things you wanted him/her to do or vise versa. It can be that by coincidence either of you agree on certain things or that both sides are happy and comfortable despite all of the differences you have.

We often take them for granted and as I see it; my friends are one of the greatest treasures that I can have in this life- no jewelries nor new trends could replace them. It’s hard to loose a friend- treasure every moment, even those that bring you down because you can learn a lot from them.

I know… because I learned a lot.

duh!

It is hard when you left something behind unanswered… hopes might turn your future into disaster. Whishes might turn out confusing. Devastated am I?

It took me more than a year just to get over with that dumb ass sh*t! Pathetic it may seem, letting myself involve in an organization that might ease my broken sanity. But things turned my world upside down. Now, I thought I could escape and erase those things I left behind but no! It didn’t answer me at all. Didn’t even help me from easing the pain I’ve been keeping for the longest time. I did get what I wanted, the physical pain that I was looking for.

But easing those broken emotions? Nope... I thought hurting myself physically would be my escape from everything but no... Okey, it did. But just for a short time. It actually did added same agony... what a piece of sh*t...

The only great men I knew were my lolo and my dad. I can’t blame my mom and my lola for loving them so much! They deserve it. Just like what I said before, I hate emotional pain! Guys might seem harmless but no they’re not!!! They’re just the same old pieces of junk that my grandfather was keeping in our backyard! as for now, all men should be gathered and put them all into an oven!! Bake them all till they learn!!! Bake them till they’ll know what a woman should be treated!!! Burn assholes!!! Burn!!!

Men may hurt us women physically, sure you guys can!!! Hit us!!! Till your last breath end, but never ever hurt a woman by using your damn pathetic charisma! Feed us with your flowering words and sh*t talks!!! Guys are just a bunch of idiots!!! Jackass pieces of sh*t!!!

memoirs

Refresh me, form the memories i had in mind. refresh every inch of my nerves. Do me a favor, reassure me about it. Teach me how to talk, teach me how to fight, teach me how to be brave in showing myself. It helps me a lot when stones used to criticized me. But it hurts me a lot when those stones see me as someone who do not have a backbone, someone who's so lost in despair. That down... 6 feet under, beneath those black graves and evil shadows from the past. I know myself, i have my own identity but i just don't have the courage to love myself (outside) my shell or my scale, the color of my fur or the color of my feathers. I know what i like, i know my hobbies just please don't judge me!. There's a big difference when you tell me to find my identity and try to love myself, from try to love what i like and try to accept my imperfections. I'm not an iguana that rolls its eyes in a different angle nor a chameleon whose imitating anyone. I just don't like the idea of labeling me as someone who do not think but feel. Yes, i do give the idea of making anyone think I'm too available. That is why i always do fall into somewhere i don't wanna be. The point of getting hurt. The point of crying over someone who doesn't deserve my every drop. I am aware of that, that is why my outlet is to talk about it and not just to keep it inside in order for my air to rotate inside. Breathe, I'm just taking a break for something, and thats it. I don't usually talk about how i feel(B4) but this is my only way (now). Every time i get messy or sad that doesn't mean they occupied every inch of my sanity. I am still with my senses and i also do analyze things. But i just choose to feel it, just a time or a moment, a time to forget and delete it. Yes i do talk a lot about it just to calm me and make me at ease. One favor! please do not misjudge me!

doors closed

Lately, I was hanging around with this weirdo, I really can’t understand him, but of course I am trying. I must admit he is endearing. Droll thing was I keep on telling my wits to impede me from falling but I guess it falls by itself. I am trying to do something about it, but I just can’t stop my handle from doing so… yeah, I know you got the point. For the third time, I know this will end up to zilch, like my experiences before. For a diminutive time I knew I was falling, but I know where to consign myself. I heard the news bout them the other day. Yah, I wish I were the one he chose to adore. But, that’s life… maybe it’s not the right time for me or they were not the right man for me. Funny, but I have to admit it, pieces by pieces I am learning from it. The first one was, I almost committed suicide but I chose to hurt myself rather than turning it off. The second time was fine, I left it behind, that was the most thwarting part, I regret it… and now? I was just laughing from it… it hurts a little, but not that though, now I know when and where I’ll throw the grenade. Well, as for now, I am closing my doors… maybe its time to focus on something important. Those things I had taken for granted, things I wish I could reverse. That’s my life I must accept it. Till then

3 am decision

lying in my bed, trying to sleep, i wanna finish everything, but i just cant.. its already 3 o'clock and everything turns out counterly... i decided to drop the subject... coz i know i might fail... i know i have to drop it but still im trying to type somthing out of this...
haaayyyy... i wish i wish....
ohhh... remember what i told you about the ant thing?.... hhhmmmmp! i wanna get over him... but how come i cant??>>> i kept on saying im done with it but everytime he showd up all the fillings are there... evrytime he's near, sparks and emotions are clashing... last night was the worst scenario i had with him.... he kept on arguing with me and it s**ks! its bulls**T! i wanna crush him into pieces...! i wanna skin him alive...! i wanna smash him!... but the thing there was i juz cant... :(
haaaayyyy his eyes, his voice and everything in him made my heart meltd like a candle under the heat of the sun.... waaaaaaaaa spare me the agony my friend!!!!.....
help me.... im confused, im torn, im coated with barbs and thorns....
confusions made me realize everything might fall out, nothing can make it seem right...
now, i decided to place it 6 ft under, covered with stones, blocks all over, and mix cement powder on top of it... hahahahahaha
im done!... yes im done!...


the problem is...
is it strong enough?
to hold everything inside?....

9am agony

haaayy, its already 9am, still i can't write anything for my paper... my dipressions killing me, i dont wanna fail but i just cant write... huhuhuhu
help me find my own tunnel, dark and black, tattered pants and broken pieces of my sanity scattered. my plans and my sight shimmers in a different way, screaming with blood, shouting with agonies inside. i know it's my fault, writing is not that easy, you cant just pick a topic and write about it.
problem with me? i just cant write at this moment.
flush me! wake me up! drag me to my sanity! hold me close! put me into a dungeon full of thorns, make me scream, make me cry....!
to sum this all up..... i just cant write!!!!......

reflections i need to...

Reflections, help me to control myself, after finishing a stick of cigar I decided to go in my scope and patch tings up; there, Lying in a bed full of pillows touches the vulnerability of my sanity, thoughts of wisdom helped me, reaching out to pat me in my shoulder, and the blanket of faith hugged me, I never thought this could happen; the light opened my eyes to veracity, and the fan of happiness tattooed its smile in my face, making me more comfortable and at ease in dealing with it. Now I know where to place myself whenever I’m with my ANT, we still talk, but not that much, though I missed those moments we used to, its okay I’ll wait for that someone to come, and this time? Not another ant but a flower to match it over.

why?

Why do we have to experience light and later found ourselves in darkness? Why do we need to be fulfield and later suffer? Why do have to smile and later frown? To learn from it? Or to realize we are living in the world and not in dreams?

i need a rest...

In the darkness I will rest, for the sunlight took all my sanity…
the light I’m digging taught me to despise myself, I knew I was wrong, falling for someone who couldn’t even notice my presence was the worse sentiment I ever had, he treated me like a kid, just a sister, just a friend, I wish he doesn’t have radars and senses to screw everything I planted. I’m drowning myself in my own sticky cold blood, ripping my skin, digging inside, cooking my flesh in my own fats, the fats...! Turned into clammy oil…! the oil of darkness inside, wake me up...! Please… I beg you, save me, make me realize everything is just a fallacy, this is just a dream, a really bad dream, one of my melancholic fantasy never in reality, please stop me from believing in you, keep me safe my precious wit, edit everything and erase the unpleasing piece, half awake I may seem, a lot of mystery I want to solve and answer… help me find my senses before I rest in darkness.

invincible am i?

I feel like a ghost, invincible, non-existent, before, my ant used to visit me, cooked with me while teasing me, concern? I think he was… as he waited for his queen to come back, slowly, my petals fall for him, I know I’m just a flower, a flower without a scent, I was so happy to found my little ant supported me, he taught me some things, and told me a lot of stories I hardly hear, being with my little ant made me realize to keep something, a treasure worth keeping, not a gold but more than a diamond, I know someday my little ant will go away, leaving me behind, for friendship my little ant would risk, but beyond that, he will never keep, a queen ant is for a worker ant, I may sound selfish but I want my ant to be there, being with him glitters my day minute by minute. When my ant is out of sight, I worry a lot, he might get lost outside, in the forest full of dust, there is a mystery I want to cover, waiting and waiting... I knew he will come back. Dawn already came, still, he wasn’t there, waking up in the morning without my ant is as lonely as the duck without a mother, I want to scream I want to shout, but I just can’t, I have no right, suddenly I herd a news came from the factory, finally...! my little ant, he is here but not with me… he's with the cute and charming queen ant… he may sound happy, together they may seem emotionally wed, they already built buildings and houses for their kids, I can’t blame them for they belong with each other… God bless my little ant I’m just here, when you need me, not a ghost and I leave in reality…

the city along the sea...

Walking along the streets of the city, made me realize this place taught me a lot; to fight against the storm, to face the wind and the tornado, to fight against the squall of darkness, to love and get hurt, to carry my own world, to bathe on my problems, to swim around the curtains of dusk, to wash my tears with ink, to forget my sorrows and clean my hair with the sticky red fluid inside my skin, to cut my wrist and shower my blood, surviving is not that easy. They may say, “Forget the past and face the future” yes I did, did I? crawling, and rolling bearing that phrase sounded more like drums, louder and louder they may seem, bit by bit turned like a gong, imprisoning me in a dungeon full of mystery, holding me inside, grabbing me, I want to be free, I want to say it, but I’m afraid I might get lost outside the sea of the city.

play with me...

Let me play hide and seek, like the wolf in a story. Where is the light I want to keep? Where could this dusty forest lead? Leaving my sanity in the mystic box led me to question every action of the fox, searching for an answer; I found an ant, softly he’s helping me, inch by inch he told a story, "life is everything, life is worth keeping, it’s a treasure God given me" the ant said… realizing what the ant told me, gave me a little light to uncover my misery, pieces by pieces my broken mirror placed itself, believing something might turn into honey, as sweet as the sugar cane, the dusty forest provided me the way, is it the way to happiness? Or again a road to despise myself?

lead me...

Depression, lead me to the desire of cutting my breath, blood slowly ripping my skin, a cut led me to hide under my pillows... broken pieces of my mirror scattered like feeds... Irritating sound of the birds, singing, teasing me down, and letting me fall... How can they sing? How can they fly? After the storm passes them by? How about me? Why can't I?