duh!

It is hard when you left something behind unanswered… hopes might turn your future into disaster. Whishes might turn out confusing. Devastated am I?

It took me more than a year just to get over with that dumb ass sh*t! Pathetic it may seem, letting myself involve in an organization that might ease my broken sanity. But things turned my world upside down. Now, I thought I could escape and erase those things I left behind but no! It didn’t answer me at all. Didn’t even help me from easing the pain I’ve been keeping for the longest time. I did get what I wanted, the physical pain that I was looking for.

But easing those broken emotions? Nope... I thought hurting myself physically would be my escape from everything but no... Okey, it did. But just for a short time. It actually did added same agony... what a piece of sh*t...

The only great men I knew were my lolo and my dad. I can’t blame my mom and my lola for loving them so much! They deserve it. Just like what I said before, I hate emotional pain! Guys might seem harmless but no they’re not!!! They’re just the same old pieces of junk that my grandfather was keeping in our backyard! as for now, all men should be gathered and put them all into an oven!! Bake them all till they learn!!! Bake them till they’ll know what a woman should be treated!!! Burn assholes!!! Burn!!!

Men may hurt us women physically, sure you guys can!!! Hit us!!! Till your last breath end, but never ever hurt a woman by using your damn pathetic charisma! Feed us with your flowering words and sh*t talks!!! Guys are just a bunch of idiots!!! Jackass pieces of sh*t!!!

memoirs

Refresh me, form the memories i had in mind. refresh every inch of my nerves. Do me a favor, reassure me about it. Teach me how to talk, teach me how to fight, teach me how to be brave in showing myself. It helps me a lot when stones used to criticized me. But it hurts me a lot when those stones see me as someone who do not have a backbone, someone who's so lost in despair. That down... 6 feet under, beneath those black graves and evil shadows from the past. I know myself, i have my own identity but i just don't have the courage to love myself (outside) my shell or my scale, the color of my fur or the color of my feathers. I know what i like, i know my hobbies just please don't judge me!. There's a big difference when you tell me to find my identity and try to love myself, from try to love what i like and try to accept my imperfections. I'm not an iguana that rolls its eyes in a different angle nor a chameleon whose imitating anyone. I just don't like the idea of labeling me as someone who do not think but feel. Yes, i do give the idea of making anyone think I'm too available. That is why i always do fall into somewhere i don't wanna be. The point of getting hurt. The point of crying over someone who doesn't deserve my every drop. I am aware of that, that is why my outlet is to talk about it and not just to keep it inside in order for my air to rotate inside. Breathe, I'm just taking a break for something, and thats it. I don't usually talk about how i feel(B4) but this is my only way (now). Every time i get messy or sad that doesn't mean they occupied every inch of my sanity. I am still with my senses and i also do analyze things. But i just choose to feel it, just a time or a moment, a time to forget and delete it. Yes i do talk a lot about it just to calm me and make me at ease. One favor! please do not misjudge me!

doors closed

Lately, I was hanging around with this weirdo, I really can’t understand him, but of course I am trying. I must admit he is endearing. Droll thing was I keep on telling my wits to impede me from falling but I guess it falls by itself. I am trying to do something about it, but I just can’t stop my handle from doing so… yeah, I know you got the point. For the third time, I know this will end up to zilch, like my experiences before. For a diminutive time I knew I was falling, but I know where to consign myself. I heard the news bout them the other day. Yah, I wish I were the one he chose to adore. But, that’s life… maybe it’s not the right time for me or they were not the right man for me. Funny, but I have to admit it, pieces by pieces I am learning from it. The first one was, I almost committed suicide but I chose to hurt myself rather than turning it off. The second time was fine, I left it behind, that was the most thwarting part, I regret it… and now? I was just laughing from it… it hurts a little, but not that though, now I know when and where I’ll throw the grenade. Well, as for now, I am closing my doors… maybe its time to focus on something important. Those things I had taken for granted, things I wish I could reverse. That’s my life I must accept it. Till then