3 am decision

lying in my bed, trying to sleep, i wanna finish everything, but i just cant.. its already 3 o'clock and everything turns out counterly... i decided to drop the subject... coz i know i might fail... i know i have to drop it but still im trying to type somthing out of this...
haaayyyy... i wish i wish....
ohhh... remember what i told you about the ant thing?.... hhhmmmmp! i wanna get over him... but how come i cant??>>> i kept on saying im done with it but everytime he showd up all the fillings are there... evrytime he's near, sparks and emotions are clashing... last night was the worst scenario i had with him.... he kept on arguing with me and it s**ks! its bulls**T! i wanna crush him into pieces...! i wanna skin him alive...! i wanna smash him!... but the thing there was i juz cant... :(
haaaayyyy his eyes, his voice and everything in him made my heart meltd like a candle under the heat of the sun.... waaaaaaaaa spare me the agony my friend!!!!.....
help me.... im confused, im torn, im coated with barbs and thorns....
confusions made me realize everything might fall out, nothing can make it seem right...
now, i decided to place it 6 ft under, covered with stones, blocks all over, and mix cement powder on top of it... hahahahahaha
im done!... yes im done!...


the problem is...
is it strong enough?
to hold everything inside?....

9am agony

haaayy, its already 9am, still i can't write anything for my paper... my dipressions killing me, i dont wanna fail but i just cant write... huhuhuhu
help me find my own tunnel, dark and black, tattered pants and broken pieces of my sanity scattered. my plans and my sight shimmers in a different way, screaming with blood, shouting with agonies inside. i know it's my fault, writing is not that easy, you cant just pick a topic and write about it.
problem with me? i just cant write at this moment.
flush me! wake me up! drag me to my sanity! hold me close! put me into a dungeon full of thorns, make me scream, make me cry....!
to sum this all up..... i just cant write!!!!......

reflections i need to...

Reflections, help me to control myself, after finishing a stick of cigar I decided to go in my scope and patch tings up; there, Lying in a bed full of pillows touches the vulnerability of my sanity, thoughts of wisdom helped me, reaching out to pat me in my shoulder, and the blanket of faith hugged me, I never thought this could happen; the light opened my eyes to veracity, and the fan of happiness tattooed its smile in my face, making me more comfortable and at ease in dealing with it. Now I know where to place myself whenever I’m with my ANT, we still talk, but not that much, though I missed those moments we used to, its okay I’ll wait for that someone to come, and this time? Not another ant but a flower to match it over.

why?

Why do we have to experience light and later found ourselves in darkness? Why do we need to be fulfield and later suffer? Why do have to smile and later frown? To learn from it? Or to realize we are living in the world and not in dreams?

i need a rest...

In the darkness I will rest, for the sunlight took all my sanity…
the light I’m digging taught me to despise myself, I knew I was wrong, falling for someone who couldn’t even notice my presence was the worse sentiment I ever had, he treated me like a kid, just a sister, just a friend, I wish he doesn’t have radars and senses to screw everything I planted. I’m drowning myself in my own sticky cold blood, ripping my skin, digging inside, cooking my flesh in my own fats, the fats...! Turned into clammy oil…! the oil of darkness inside, wake me up...! Please… I beg you, save me, make me realize everything is just a fallacy, this is just a dream, a really bad dream, one of my melancholic fantasy never in reality, please stop me from believing in you, keep me safe my precious wit, edit everything and erase the unpleasing piece, half awake I may seem, a lot of mystery I want to solve and answer… help me find my senses before I rest in darkness.

invincible am i?

I feel like a ghost, invincible, non-existent, before, my ant used to visit me, cooked with me while teasing me, concern? I think he was… as he waited for his queen to come back, slowly, my petals fall for him, I know I’m just a flower, a flower without a scent, I was so happy to found my little ant supported me, he taught me some things, and told me a lot of stories I hardly hear, being with my little ant made me realize to keep something, a treasure worth keeping, not a gold but more than a diamond, I know someday my little ant will go away, leaving me behind, for friendship my little ant would risk, but beyond that, he will never keep, a queen ant is for a worker ant, I may sound selfish but I want my ant to be there, being with him glitters my day minute by minute. When my ant is out of sight, I worry a lot, he might get lost outside, in the forest full of dust, there is a mystery I want to cover, waiting and waiting... I knew he will come back. Dawn already came, still, he wasn’t there, waking up in the morning without my ant is as lonely as the duck without a mother, I want to scream I want to shout, but I just can’t, I have no right, suddenly I herd a news came from the factory, finally...! my little ant, he is here but not with me… he's with the cute and charming queen ant… he may sound happy, together they may seem emotionally wed, they already built buildings and houses for their kids, I can’t blame them for they belong with each other… God bless my little ant I’m just here, when you need me, not a ghost and I leave in reality…

the city along the sea...

Walking along the streets of the city, made me realize this place taught me a lot; to fight against the storm, to face the wind and the tornado, to fight against the squall of darkness, to love and get hurt, to carry my own world, to bathe on my problems, to swim around the curtains of dusk, to wash my tears with ink, to forget my sorrows and clean my hair with the sticky red fluid inside my skin, to cut my wrist and shower my blood, surviving is not that easy. They may say, “Forget the past and face the future” yes I did, did I? crawling, and rolling bearing that phrase sounded more like drums, louder and louder they may seem, bit by bit turned like a gong, imprisoning me in a dungeon full of mystery, holding me inside, grabbing me, I want to be free, I want to say it, but I’m afraid I might get lost outside the sea of the city.

play with me...

Let me play hide and seek, like the wolf in a story. Where is the light I want to keep? Where could this dusty forest lead? Leaving my sanity in the mystic box led me to question every action of the fox, searching for an answer; I found an ant, softly he’s helping me, inch by inch he told a story, "life is everything, life is worth keeping, it’s a treasure God given me" the ant said… realizing what the ant told me, gave me a little light to uncover my misery, pieces by pieces my broken mirror placed itself, believing something might turn into honey, as sweet as the sugar cane, the dusty forest provided me the way, is it the way to happiness? Or again a road to despise myself?

lead me...

Depression, lead me to the desire of cutting my breath, blood slowly ripping my skin, a cut led me to hide under my pillows... broken pieces of my mirror scattered like feeds... Irritating sound of the birds, singing, teasing me down, and letting me fall... How can they sing? How can they fly? After the storm passes them by? How about me? Why can't I?