duh!

It is hard when you left something behind unanswered… hopes might turn your future into disaster. Whishes might turn out confusing. Devastated am I?

It took me more than a year just to get over with that dumb ass sh*t! Pathetic it may seem, letting myself involve in an organization that might ease my broken sanity. But things turned my world upside down. Now, I thought I could escape and erase those things I left behind but no! It didn’t answer me at all. Didn’t even help me from easing the pain I’ve been keeping for the longest time. I did get what I wanted, the physical pain that I was looking for.

But easing those broken emotions? Nope... I thought hurting myself physically would be my escape from everything but no... Okey, it did. But just for a short time. It actually did added same agony... what a piece of sh*t...

The only great men I knew were my lolo and my dad. I can’t blame my mom and my lola for loving them so much! They deserve it. Just like what I said before, I hate emotional pain! Guys might seem harmless but no they’re not!!! They’re just the same old pieces of junk that my grandfather was keeping in our backyard! as for now, all men should be gathered and put them all into an oven!! Bake them all till they learn!!! Bake them till they’ll know what a woman should be treated!!! Burn assholes!!! Burn!!!

Men may hurt us women physically, sure you guys can!!! Hit us!!! Till your last breath end, but never ever hurt a woman by using your damn pathetic charisma! Feed us with your flowering words and sh*t talks!!! Guys are just a bunch of idiots!!! Jackass pieces of sh*t!!!

memoirs

Refresh me, form the memories i had in mind. refresh every inch of my nerves. Do me a favor, reassure me about it. Teach me how to talk, teach me how to fight, teach me how to be brave in showing myself. It helps me a lot when stones used to criticized me. But it hurts me a lot when those stones see me as someone who do not have a backbone, someone who's so lost in despair. That down... 6 feet under, beneath those black graves and evil shadows from the past. I know myself, i have my own identity but i just don't have the courage to love myself (outside) my shell or my scale, the color of my fur or the color of my feathers. I know what i like, i know my hobbies just please don't judge me!. There's a big difference when you tell me to find my identity and try to love myself, from try to love what i like and try to accept my imperfections. I'm not an iguana that rolls its eyes in a different angle nor a chameleon whose imitating anyone. I just don't like the idea of labeling me as someone who do not think but feel. Yes, i do give the idea of making anyone think I'm too available. That is why i always do fall into somewhere i don't wanna be. The point of getting hurt. The point of crying over someone who doesn't deserve my every drop. I am aware of that, that is why my outlet is to talk about it and not just to keep it inside in order for my air to rotate inside. Breathe, I'm just taking a break for something, and thats it. I don't usually talk about how i feel(B4) but this is my only way (now). Every time i get messy or sad that doesn't mean they occupied every inch of my sanity. I am still with my senses and i also do analyze things. But i just choose to feel it, just a time or a moment, a time to forget and delete it. Yes i do talk a lot about it just to calm me and make me at ease. One favor! please do not misjudge me!

doors closed

Lately, I was hanging around with this weirdo, I really can’t understand him, but of course I am trying. I must admit he is endearing. Droll thing was I keep on telling my wits to impede me from falling but I guess it falls by itself. I am trying to do something about it, but I just can’t stop my handle from doing so… yeah, I know you got the point. For the third time, I know this will end up to zilch, like my experiences before. For a diminutive time I knew I was falling, but I know where to consign myself. I heard the news bout them the other day. Yah, I wish I were the one he chose to adore. But, that’s life… maybe it’s not the right time for me or they were not the right man for me. Funny, but I have to admit it, pieces by pieces I am learning from it. The first one was, I almost committed suicide but I chose to hurt myself rather than turning it off. The second time was fine, I left it behind, that was the most thwarting part, I regret it… and now? I was just laughing from it… it hurts a little, but not that though, now I know when and where I’ll throw the grenade. Well, as for now, I am closing my doors… maybe its time to focus on something important. Those things I had taken for granted, things I wish I could reverse. That’s my life I must accept it. Till then

3 am decision

lying in my bed, trying to sleep, i wanna finish everything, but i just cant.. its already 3 o'clock and everything turns out counterly... i decided to drop the subject... coz i know i might fail... i know i have to drop it but still im trying to type somthing out of this...
haaayyyy... i wish i wish....
ohhh... remember what i told you about the ant thing?.... hhhmmmmp! i wanna get over him... but how come i cant??>>> i kept on saying im done with it but everytime he showd up all the fillings are there... evrytime he's near, sparks and emotions are clashing... last night was the worst scenario i had with him.... he kept on arguing with me and it s**ks! its bulls**T! i wanna crush him into pieces...! i wanna skin him alive...! i wanna smash him!... but the thing there was i juz cant... :(
haaaayyyy his eyes, his voice and everything in him made my heart meltd like a candle under the heat of the sun.... waaaaaaaaa spare me the agony my friend!!!!.....
help me.... im confused, im torn, im coated with barbs and thorns....
confusions made me realize everything might fall out, nothing can make it seem right...
now, i decided to place it 6 ft under, covered with stones, blocks all over, and mix cement powder on top of it... hahahahahaha
im done!... yes im done!...


the problem is...
is it strong enough?
to hold everything inside?....

9am agony

haaayy, its already 9am, still i can't write anything for my paper... my dipressions killing me, i dont wanna fail but i just cant write... huhuhuhu
help me find my own tunnel, dark and black, tattered pants and broken pieces of my sanity scattered. my plans and my sight shimmers in a different way, screaming with blood, shouting with agonies inside. i know it's my fault, writing is not that easy, you cant just pick a topic and write about it.
problem with me? i just cant write at this moment.
flush me! wake me up! drag me to my sanity! hold me close! put me into a dungeon full of thorns, make me scream, make me cry....!
to sum this all up..... i just cant write!!!!......

reflections i need to...

Reflections, help me to control myself, after finishing a stick of cigar I decided to go in my scope and patch tings up; there, Lying in a bed full of pillows touches the vulnerability of my sanity, thoughts of wisdom helped me, reaching out to pat me in my shoulder, and the blanket of faith hugged me, I never thought this could happen; the light opened my eyes to veracity, and the fan of happiness tattooed its smile in my face, making me more comfortable and at ease in dealing with it. Now I know where to place myself whenever I’m with my ANT, we still talk, but not that much, though I missed those moments we used to, its okay I’ll wait for that someone to come, and this time? Not another ant but a flower to match it over.

why?

Why do we have to experience light and later found ourselves in darkness? Why do we need to be fulfield and later suffer? Why do have to smile and later frown? To learn from it? Or to realize we are living in the world and not in dreams?

i need a rest...

In the darkness I will rest, for the sunlight took all my sanity…
the light I’m digging taught me to despise myself, I knew I was wrong, falling for someone who couldn’t even notice my presence was the worse sentiment I ever had, he treated me like a kid, just a sister, just a friend, I wish he doesn’t have radars and senses to screw everything I planted. I’m drowning myself in my own sticky cold blood, ripping my skin, digging inside, cooking my flesh in my own fats, the fats...! Turned into clammy oil…! the oil of darkness inside, wake me up...! Please… I beg you, save me, make me realize everything is just a fallacy, this is just a dream, a really bad dream, one of my melancholic fantasy never in reality, please stop me from believing in you, keep me safe my precious wit, edit everything and erase the unpleasing piece, half awake I may seem, a lot of mystery I want to solve and answer… help me find my senses before I rest in darkness.

invincible am i?

I feel like a ghost, invincible, non-existent, before, my ant used to visit me, cooked with me while teasing me, concern? I think he was… as he waited for his queen to come back, slowly, my petals fall for him, I know I’m just a flower, a flower without a scent, I was so happy to found my little ant supported me, he taught me some things, and told me a lot of stories I hardly hear, being with my little ant made me realize to keep something, a treasure worth keeping, not a gold but more than a diamond, I know someday my little ant will go away, leaving me behind, for friendship my little ant would risk, but beyond that, he will never keep, a queen ant is for a worker ant, I may sound selfish but I want my ant to be there, being with him glitters my day minute by minute. When my ant is out of sight, I worry a lot, he might get lost outside, in the forest full of dust, there is a mystery I want to cover, waiting and waiting... I knew he will come back. Dawn already came, still, he wasn’t there, waking up in the morning without my ant is as lonely as the duck without a mother, I want to scream I want to shout, but I just can’t, I have no right, suddenly I herd a news came from the factory, finally...! my little ant, he is here but not with me… he's with the cute and charming queen ant… he may sound happy, together they may seem emotionally wed, they already built buildings and houses for their kids, I can’t blame them for they belong with each other… God bless my little ant I’m just here, when you need me, not a ghost and I leave in reality…

the city along the sea...

Walking along the streets of the city, made me realize this place taught me a lot; to fight against the storm, to face the wind and the tornado, to fight against the squall of darkness, to love and get hurt, to carry my own world, to bathe on my problems, to swim around the curtains of dusk, to wash my tears with ink, to forget my sorrows and clean my hair with the sticky red fluid inside my skin, to cut my wrist and shower my blood, surviving is not that easy. They may say, “Forget the past and face the future” yes I did, did I? crawling, and rolling bearing that phrase sounded more like drums, louder and louder they may seem, bit by bit turned like a gong, imprisoning me in a dungeon full of mystery, holding me inside, grabbing me, I want to be free, I want to say it, but I’m afraid I might get lost outside the sea of the city.

play with me...

Let me play hide and seek, like the wolf in a story. Where is the light I want to keep? Where could this dusty forest lead? Leaving my sanity in the mystic box led me to question every action of the fox, searching for an answer; I found an ant, softly he’s helping me, inch by inch he told a story, "life is everything, life is worth keeping, it’s a treasure God given me" the ant said… realizing what the ant told me, gave me a little light to uncover my misery, pieces by pieces my broken mirror placed itself, believing something might turn into honey, as sweet as the sugar cane, the dusty forest provided me the way, is it the way to happiness? Or again a road to despise myself?

lead me...

Depression, lead me to the desire of cutting my breath, blood slowly ripping my skin, a cut led me to hide under my pillows... broken pieces of my mirror scattered like feeds... Irritating sound of the birds, singing, teasing me down, and letting me fall... How can they sing? How can they fly? After the storm passes them by? How about me? Why can't I?